An expiration date ain't nothin' but a number.
Hey! What did you expect? So sorry, but A Hero Ain't Nothin' But a Sandwich was already taken. TAKEN! Like movie theater seats at the Paradise Twin showing of Checkmate, trying to be saved by Elaine Benes. In the same manner that Lil named her bar Coyote Ugly because Cheers was taken.
You might think, with an intro such as this, that I will be expounding upon my mother's penchant for expired foodstuffs. But no. Like Rooster Cogburn, aiming to kill Lucky Ned Pepper in one minute, telling Farrell Parmalee and his brother Harold to stand clear...I've got no interest in her today.
No, what we're talking about here is a failure to expectorate. I have a cough from my weekend cold, and I can't retch up that annoying liquid that tickles the back of my throat and squeezes and wheezes through my lungs.
As Even Steven would have it, my plan time today was filled with grading a tall stack of work placed in my mailbox last Thursday afternoon, which I had expected to grade Friday morning. Before we had a snow day. Before this cold was even a twinkle in the eye of that close-talker who sprayed sputum in my mouth, apparently, with a surprise cough just before final bell.
My lunch time was filled with duty. My after school time was filled with a lengthy First Monday faculty meeting. So I have hacked my way nearly into submission. Fruitlessly. Halls cough drops have not helped. Tomorrow I intend to call my doctor to see if he can call my pharmacy to see if they can whip up an elixir to halt my hacking. I am not optimistic. If I try to make an appointment, I will have suffered needlessly and no longer need relief by the time my scheduled audience with the doc arrives. Don't even get me started on that Inconvenient Care place.
Tonight I was left to my own devices. I am loathe to breeze into Walmart and grab a boxed bottle off the shelf, because cough medicine ingredients clash with high blood pressure like a polka dot shirt with madras shorts. In the nooks and crannies of my kitchen cabinets, I discovered an old bottle of my prescription cough medicine from 2009. That's right. 2009. There was not so much cough medicine in it anymore as there was a tiny blob of gooey stuff that looked like the center of a Fruit Gushers candy piece. I added a bit of water and swirled it. Let it sit on the counter five minutes. Poured out a teaspoon in the plastic shot glass measuring cup.
EUREKA! It worked for about two hours. Mostly. Enough for a brief respite from cracking my ribs with an explosive cough every thirty seconds.
It's going to be a long night.
Let me tell you the Polish cure.
ReplyDeleteTomato rice soup, lots of vitamin C, heat, beats away the cooties.
You were describing Whooping cough which I had several years ago, but the temproary relief from old medicine probably rules that out...psheew...I would not want to wish that dry unproductive 100 day of coughing on anyone.
ReplyDeleteHope you are well soon.
Mrs. C. is currently suffering from something that sounds very similar to your cold. Cough cough cough, poor thing. I hope you get better soon.
ReplyDeleteA lot of honey, a little rum and a little orange juice. If you drink enough of it, you may still be coughing, but you might not care that you are.
ReplyDeleteHubby just got over this. Bronchitis was fast approaching pneumonia. I told doc I had some prescription cough medicine from '08. She said, "Won't hurt him, won't help much either; it loses its strength." That stuff knocked me out for four hours, so if yours is still 50% potent, swill! Hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteOh, my. I hope you finally got some sleep, and relief from your cough. I've also taken expired medication and have lived to tell the tale. The home health tips here are helpful. My hubby is a big pusher of mega doses of Vitamin C for coughs and colds.
ReplyDeleteAs an aside, I love Madras, although not with polka dots, but it brings back memories of my teen years, when I wore a size 4.
Mrs.,
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you about the hillbilly cure. Hot & Sour Soup! Okay, maybe the Chinese had a hand in ladling out that cure before I discovered it. But it is working tonight. And it worked Friday night when the sore throat started. I think I should have put it on the menu every night.
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joeh
I am cautiously optimistic that my worst night is behind me. I now have fresh medicine, circa 2013. Plus a buttload of advice from expired-medicine-taking well-wishers.
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Stephen,
Thanks for the concern. Get Mrs. C some hot & sour soup. It is so touching that you notice her hacking.
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Sioux,
My teetotaling ways rule out the rum. Orange juice gives me heartburn. I am, however, willing to swill honey right out of the top of a little plastic bear's head. All in the name of science, of course.
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Linda,
I like how dosing yourself with five-year-old cough medicine cured Bill. You should add "holistic healer" to your resume that is already longer than Santa's Nice List.
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Donna,
Just so you can rest easy...I DID manage to sleep three hours in the basement recliner, and three hours in bed.
I am quite pleased that you feel comfortable enough to check in here for your self-diagnosing and medicating needs. I have always aspired for my blog to be a clearinghouse of questionable health care practices.
It's great how this comment section has turned out to be one big message board of cures from the Apothecary of Common Knowledge!