The Squirrel Man Shooteth

Sunday morning, I heard two shots. Gunshots. Sounded like they were in the front yard. Of course I thought nothing of it. The Squirrel Hunter had just been here the day before, licking his lips filling his feeders with corn. But that was down in the woods.

Anyhoo... between 8:00 and 10:00, I heard three more shots. Two behind the house, and one in the woods. Then the shooting stopped. I assumed the Squirrel Hunter gathered up his bounty and left. I had the shades closed, and stayed away from the unshaded windows. Just in case, you know, this was really Hick's murder-for-hire plan. Val's momma didn't raise no fool!

When Hick came home from his SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5), he said, "My buddy got five squirrels this morning!"

"He must be a good shot. Because I only heard him shoot five times. I guess every one was successful. Who's gonna cook these squirrels for him?"

"HIM, I guess! He ain't got no wife."

"Well, he can come out whenever he wants! He could have a freezer full by winter. Won't even need to buy meat!"

"He said he got two of them out here at the end of the carport. Then he sat down on the back edge of it, and got two more. The last one was in the edge of the woods."

"The ones that sounded like the front yard, I thought maybe he got them in the cedar tree. But I guess they ran down. I don't think he would shoot up in that tree, because of houses in the background."

"He was happy to get 'em."

I was telling The Pony about it on the phone.

"Wait! What's this? I never heard about any squirrel man!"

"Oh. I guess I forgot to tell you. But it's okay, because he hasn't shot me 'accidentally' through the window."

"At least Dad's doing SOMETHING about it. Before you have maggots falling out of the ceiling into your bathtub..."

"NOOOO! Stop! I still have PTSD about that, and it wasn't even MY house!"

"I had been telling Dad for a week that my house smelled like death!"

"Enough! I can't!"

"Okay. At least it's gone now."

At least some of our squirrels are being "recycled." That's five less we have to deal with.

________________________________________________________________

Here's a picture of one of the feeders. Which was installed behind our house Monday evening, by Hick and Squirrel Hunter, while I was in town!

This was taken from the back porch, with me leaning over the fake fish pond to snap the picture. I'm not sure how I feel about a SQUIRREL FEEDER installed 30 feet from the porch where we're trying to get rid of squirrels.

The Squirrel Man Cometh

Remember one of Hick's most recent plots for my accidental demise? His buddy, the Squirrel Hunter? Squirrel Hunter came out a couple weeks ago to put feeders filled with corn down by the creek behind our hillbilly mansion. Saturday, he came back to check on them.

Hick had told me that Squirrel Hounter was coming out one day, and I thought I heard a shot over in the BARn area. I didn't think much about it. I was warned ahead, and he wasn't by the house.

Anyhoo... when I left for town on Saturday evening at 5:30, a gray truck was parked beside the driveway. Hick had sent a text that his buddy was coming out, and they were doing down in the woods to fill the feeders. When I came home, Hick and Squirrel Hunter were walking from the Gator around to the back yard. I saw them over the porch rail as I went to the door. Squirrel Hunter looked like Hick, but a little taller, with a longer white beard.

"Them squirrels has eat a hundred pounds of corn!" said Hick.

"You really have an infestation down in the bottom," said Squirrel Hunter. [Heh, heh! That was almost my title: 'Hick Has an Infestation Down in the Bottom.'] "And they're BIG squirrels, too!"

"We have an infestation right here on the porch! All day long, they're running around the rail, eating the dog food, climbing the screens, chewing up the porch. When they hear something, they scatter. Mostly by running down this pole here at the corner."

"I told him he could set his chair right here and hunt them as they jump off the porch! No need to go down in the woods. He could pick 'em off as they run across the yard here to the trees."

"Yeah. Just don't shoot me through the window!"

"Oh, no. No house shooting. That's not worth it." 

[I suppose that's a little reassuring, though Squirrel Hunter didn't say he had not considered shooting me through the window. Only that it wouldn't be worth it. Thank goodness Hick is a cheapskate, always looking for a bargain, even on my pretty-sure murder-for-hire destiny.]

"I always say I'm pretty sure he's trying to kill me, and that he hired you to make it look like an accident!"

Again, no denial from Squirrel Hunter!

"I killed seven of 'em one year when I put in the pool ladder. Drowned 'em!"

Again, Hick was not doing himself any favors with his communication style. It's not like he held seven squirrels under the water and drowned them! They got trapped when he took off the cover and drained some water, and couldn't climb out.

Squirrel Hunter said he got a couple of squirrels last week. I didn't ask if he cooked them yet. Maybe he's waiting to get a bunch of them, and have a squirrel fry.

Sunday morning, I heard five shots. I was in the living room at the time. The first two sounded like they were out in the front yard. The second two were the back yard. Then one in the woods behind the house.

Squirrel Hunter had remarked that the big cedar tree in the front yard was full of them. I've never noticed squirrels there, but they all scatter off the porch when I go out or come home. 

Anyhoo... I guess Squirrel Hunter was successful. I'll have to ask Hick what he finds out.

The Universe Comes Poking

The past couple weeks have not been good for Thevictorians. The Universe has been meddling again. The high point was Tuesday, when we had the closing for the sale of our upper 10 acres. Other than that, we've been on an express ride to Not-Heaven. There was the leak in Bargain House that destroyed the bedroom floor, and Val's near-death from a narrowly-avoided 35 mph collision, and the broken air conditioner at home. 

The heating and cooling system was installed in Bargain House. It was $4800. No surprise, it was true to the estimate. We knew this would be one of the major expenses. Hick had thought of doing the wall-mounted heating and cooling thingies, like he put in the Beauty Shop, but an actual HVAC unit was the better option.

Our own HVAC unit, which we have currently been using with the fan blowing on LOW continuously, and the COOL option turned on in the evening, has been recommended to be replaced. Funny. How in June, the workman who came to give us coolant at an exorbitant price, had told Hick that he should probably replace it, but that he's wait at least a year, due to a new coolant version coming out that's really expensive. REALLY? And now the boss of the company, Hick's buddy, says he could TRY to find a motor and replace it, but it would be better to get a whole new unit instead. It's a wonder Hick can walk, what with having two people pulling his leg to different lengths. 

Anyhoo... Hick says that we are getting a new HVAC unit, because this one is at least 25 years old, and that the other guy's recommendation doesn't matter, because it won't be needing coolant right away, and prices will go down. Doesn't make much sense to me, because of course a brand new unit will need coolant to start off with. But I'm not the dealmaker around here. Oh, and our new unit will cost $8,700. But silver-tongued Hick talked it down to $8,500 by paying cash. It will be installed on Tuesday.

Meanwhile, The Pony called Thursday night, all hush-hush because he didn't want Hick to overhear, to report that there was a LEAK in Pony House, around the air conditioning unit. That The Pony had turned off the AC, blotted up the water, and had put down paper towels. ALSO, that parts of his wood flooring had buckled (a week or so ago, not related to the AC leak), AND that he had a mouse, but had caught one in a trap.

The Pony didn't know if a mouse had chewed some vital tubing in his AC, or what might be going wrong. But was going to sleep with the windows open, and pick up the house so as not to get a lecture from Hick, who could hopefully come the next day to take a look at it. I told The Pony that Hick was at the hospital (visiting), so wouldn't be barging in that night anyway, and to give him a call later, around 8:30.

Not really good news, but acceptable news, is that Hick couldn't get his compressor hose into The Pony's AC, but his finger reached, and he cleaned out a clog in the drain hose. So The Pony's AC is working fine now. 

Hick says he might be the culprit for The Pony's floor buckling, since he ran the vent hose from the dryer under the house. It's an inside room, no access to a wall. So maybe the moisture from that messed with the floor. I am skeptical, because surely that would have happened before now. It's been over three years since The Pony moved in. The floor situation will take longer to fix. Hick is not sure where the mouse got in.

So... we are ready for The Universe to lay off for a while. 

Val Steps, Baby Steps

My mysteriously-injured rumpus/leg's shooting pain is almost completely gone. I haven't noticed even a twinge for a couple days. Sometimes I still get a bit of ankle/foot numbness if I stand in one position for more than a few minutes. But the only pain now is the regular pain in my knees from the bones grinding against each other. Especially when trying to move after standing.

I've been going without my cane. In the Gas Station Chicken Store, Casey's, the T-Hoe gas Casey's, and to the 10Box cart corral. So that's progress.

Thursday was beautiful. Bright and sunny, 74 degrees. A light breeze. It looked so much like fall. While coming out of Country Mart, pushing a cart with groceries for myself and The Pony, I remarked how good it was to be out and about.

"I feel like I could run a marathon today!"

"Oh?"

"Well. If I was pushing a cart, of course. And with different shoes."

Heh, heh! I was just happy to push that cart all the way back to T-Hoe without pain and unsteadiness. In reality, a marathon will have to wait.

Making a Bathroom While the Floor Dries

Hick used his time at Bargain House wisely. While waiting for the floor in the front bedroom to dry, he and Old Buddy completed the main bathroom.

The shower and fixtures are done.

Here is the door, and the flooring, both untrimmed in this photo. There's the new medicine cabinet.

The new vanity is in place, with the lighting fixtures. The new toilet here was waiting for a wax ring, which Hick just happened to have a spare at home.

Here's the completed main bathroom, except for a cover on the heating/cooling vent in the floor. Hick says they come in a grayish color, but he might paint it brown, to match the trim. I think leaving it gray would be fine, since it would match the flooring. Which Hick says is like the laminate wood flooring, just with different-shaped pieces. It snaps together. Hick said that to move the heating/cooling vent, he would have needed to cut through a floor joist and change the ductwork. This is where the vent was originally, so he left it there.

Anyhoo... considering that the bathroom used to look like THIS:

 

I think Hick and Old Buddy did a really good job with this room!

The Territoriality of the Professional Closer

Val was THISCLOSE to committing a rumpus-resting faux pas Tuesday at the closing for our upper 10 acres. It was at the title company we have used many times, starting with The Pony's house four years ago. Nobody called me out on it back then. We were escorted to the room, and I took a chair closest to the door, at the end of the table, where I could get up and down the easiest.

The next time we were there, Realtor had preceded us, and was in that chair. So I went down the left side to the end, and sat in the last chair. In fact, that is where I sat the next couple times. I was used to it, and in my mind, when I imagined going in for the signing, that's where I placed myself.

On Tuesday, Realtor and Hick were already seated when The Pony and I came in. Realtor in her chair on the end, and Hick in the first seat on the left. Well. It's a long narrow room, with a big table and six chairs. I couldn't comfortably walk with my cane behind Hick. So I went down the right side of the table. Got to the last chair, and was maneuvering my cane to sit down.

"That's where Closer always sits," said Realtor.

"Oh. Okay. Um..."

"She usually has you two sit across from her on the same side, so she can shove papers for you to sign."

"That's fine. I can go over there."

"I think you've sat there before."

"Yes! But I couldn't get past Hick this time, since he was already sitting down!"

I went around the end of the table, where The Pony usually sits, to the rolly chair where I am used to sitting. Whew! I didn't mean to upset the applecart! Realtor wasn't rude. She's just matter-of-fact. I have no problem with being told where to sit, as long as I'm physically capable of it.

When Closer came in with her stack of papers, she had no idea that I had almost usurped her rightful chair. I don't think she would have minded at all. In fact, she would probably have stood, rather than say anything. Heck, she would have probably walked those papers out to T-Hoe for me to sign. She's not at all territorial. I think Realtor was just looking out for her.

Closing Performance

Never a dull moment when Hick and Val (plus Pony) hit the title office for closing on a property! It's a virtual live-action box of chocolates! The sale of our upper 10 acres went quite smoothly. Hick only needed to stop by 2 hours later to pick up the check, since we had to wait until after the buyers' appointment that was scheduled 90 minutes after ours.

Anyhoo... the before and after antics were certainly entertaining. I picked up The Pony to accompany me, because he makes sure my rolly chair doesn't roll when I'm trying to sit down and get up. The Pony will benefit from this sale, but was not a part of the legal proceedings. Hick met us at the title office as usual. It was at my favorite place, next door to Hick's Friday afternoon bull-shooting lair.

I parked out front. We could see SilverRedO across the street. A car pulled into the space in from of us.

"Is that Realtor? It's a different car. Wait. That looks like her. But different."

"I think her hair is shorter, Mom."

"Yeah. And she IS walking funny, with that arm held out. Must be the one she broke."

But THEN Realtor got out of the passenger seat as this imposter opened the door!

"Huh. They sure LOOK alike! Even the haircut. Just a little different color."

Just then Hick walked up beside T-Hoe, and we all got out and went inside. Well. Hick and Realtor went inside, and The Pony made sure I got up the ramp and across the threshold okay. Hick and Realtor were gabbing away, having a knee-slapping time when we got into the conference room. We just got the tail-end of it, but Hick filled me in later, at home, with the rest.

You might recall that Realtor fell and broke her humerus the day after we had an offer on this property. That was not to be the extent of her suffering. The day after she broke her humerus, she went for a walk at home. She lives in a lake development, and was walking around the lake when she fainted. Her neighbor saw her lying on the ground and called her husband. But he had already been called by Realtor's watch! It automatically calls him if she falls. 

Don't think Realtor is fragile. She's older than Hick, but pretty spry. She could easily beat me in a footrace. Well. If she stayed on her feet. Anyhoo... her neighbor and husband got there and tried to help her up, but they couldn't. Then Neighbor's son came home, and got her up. Realtor was pretty sure she had lost consciousness for a bit. The ambulance came and loaded her up, and drover her to... A NEARBY CONVENIENCE STORE at the entrance to the lake development!

As Realtor said, "The EMT looked at her watch, and said, 'It's time for me to go off shift. So we'll wait here until my relief comes on duty.'"

Hick and The Closer were incredulous. "What? The ambulance WAITED? Parked? I don't think they're supposed to do that!"

Realtor said, "I KNOW! I wanted to say: 'Don't mind me. I just passed out, and my blood pressure is too low, and I have cancer, and a broken arm! Oh, and would you mind going inside and bringing me a soda and a sandwich?' It's like there was no sense of urgency at all!"

So later I asked Hick: "You're telling me that TWO MEN couldn't get Realtor up?"

"No. It's hard. Even me and the daughter couldn't get that old lady up at the Senior Center. They're like dead weight when you try to lift them. But the neighbor's son was a big boy, and he got Realtor up."

"Then what?"

"She sat on the side of the road."

"WHAT? I meant, did they walk her home and call the ambulance, or did the ambulance come there, or what? And two men couldn't get her into SITTING POSITION on the side of the road?"

"I don't know, Val. I didn't hear all the details."

"How about the EMT?"

"Her husband or boyfriend came to get her."

"Wait! She couldn't have stayed at the convenience store by herself, and let the ambulance go on?"

"Like I said, I didn't hear all the details. But I think another EMT came, and then they took Realtor to the hospital."

Oh, well. Realtor looked good enough. Chipper, even. As we were leaving, she said, "I see my Uber isn't here yet."

Hick said, "Uber? I thought your daughter dropped you off."

That's Hick for you, always putting his foot in his mouth. NOBODY had said that was Realtor's daughter, and in fact, Realtor replied, "No, it's not even an Uber. That's just my friend who's been driving me around since I broke my arm."

Heh, heh! I later told The Pony, "Imagine having someone tell you that they think you are old enough to be your friend's MOTHER!"

At least nobody fell down or needed an ambulance...