The Squirrel Man Cometh

Remember one of Hick's most recent plots for my accidental demise? His buddy, the Squirrel Hunter? Squirrel Hunter came out a couple weeks ago to put feeders filled with corn down by the creek behind our hillbilly mansion. Saturday, he came back to check on them.

Hick had told me that Squirrel Hounter was coming out one day, and I thought I heard a shot over in the BARn area. I didn't think much about it. I was warned ahead, and he wasn't by the house.

Anyhoo... when I left for town on Saturday evening at 5:30, a gray truck was parked beside the driveway. Hick had sent a text that his buddy was coming out, and they were doing down in the woods to fill the feeders. When I came home, Hick and Squirrel Hunter were walking from the Gator around to the back yard. I saw them over the porch rail as I went to the door. Squirrel Hunter looked like Hick, but a little taller, with a longer white beard.

"Them squirrels has eat a hundred pounds of corn!" said Hick.

"You really have an infestation down in the bottom," said Squirrel Hunter. [Heh, heh! That was almost my title: 'Hick Has an Infestation Down in the Bottom.'] "And they're BIG squirrels, too!"

"We have an infestation right here on the porch! All day long, they're running around the rail, eating the dog food, climbing the screens, chewing up the porch. When they hear something, they scatter. Mostly by running down this pole here at the corner."

"I told him he could set his chair right here and hunt them as they jump off the porch! No need to go down in the woods. He could pick 'em off as they run across the yard here to the trees."

"Yeah. Just don't shoot me through the window!"

"Oh, no. No house shooting. That's not worth it." 

[I suppose that's a little reassuring, though Squirrel Hunter didn't say he had not considered shooting me through the window. Only that it wouldn't be worth it. Thank goodness Hick is a cheapskate, always looking for a bargain, even on my pretty-sure murder-for-hire destiny.]

"I always say I'm pretty sure he's trying to kill me, and that he hired you to make it look like an accident!"

Again, no denial from Squirrel Hunter!

"I killed seven of 'em one year when I put in the pool ladder. Drowned 'em!"

Again, Hick was not doing himself any favors with his communication style. It's not like he held seven squirrels under the water and drowned them! They got trapped when he took off the cover and drained some water, and couldn't climb out.

Squirrel Hunter said he got a couple of squirrels last week. I didn't ask if he cooked them yet. Maybe he's waiting to get a bunch of them, and have a squirrel fry.

Sunday morning, I heard five shots. I was in the living room at the time. The first two sounded like they were out in the front yard. The second two were the back yard. Then one in the woods behind the house.

Squirrel Hunter had remarked that the big cedar tree in the front yard was full of them. I've never noticed squirrels there, but they all scatter off the porch when I go out or come home. 

Anyhoo... I guess Squirrel Hunter was successful. I'll have to ask Hick what he finds out.