Friday, January 13, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #43 "Candy is Dandy, But a Sugar Daddy is Sweeter"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday. I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. Buckle yourself into the Wayback Machine. This week's fake book is a romance of retro proportions. Turn off your TV with four channels, turn on your Panasonic ball-shaped transistor radio, and crack open Val's latest fake work. It's the syrupy story of a dreamy gal who's looking for a sweetheart. This fake book may not be a bodice-ripper, but it could turn out to be a wrapper-tearer! Count out the fake coins from your fake allowance, and get this fake book today!

Candy is Dandy, But a Sugar Daddy is Sweeter

MaryBeth works at Back In The Day Sweet Shoppe and Retro Gewgaws. Lives at home with her mother. Spends her evenings writing in her diary with her plastic-daisy-topped pen, wishing her name contained an "i" so she could dot it with a little heart. Tiger Beat posters of Donny Osmond, Michael Jackson, David Cassidy, and Bobby Sherman smile down on her.

Convinced she was born decades too late, MaryBeth dreams of finding a sweetheart. A big man on campus, maybe, who will go to work every morning in a suit, while she stays home raising their children. The thought of her future children makes MaryBeth blush.

Today a man came into the store looking for a Melissa Sue Anderson poster. He winked at MaryBeth, and said he'd like to be her sugar daddy. Has MaryBeth met the man who will take her away from all this? (146 words)


Fake Reviews for Val’s Fake Book

Bright Red Wax Lips..."We give this fake book the kiss of death. It has no appeal, and you can't even chew it like gum when you're through."

Wax Nose and Mustache..."Wear us to disguise yourself if anybody catches you reading this fake book."

Little Colored Dots of Candy on a Long Paper Strip..."We can't believe anyone would spend fake money on this unsubstantial work. It's just random words spread far apart on the pages. What a waste of trees!"

El Bubble Green Gum Cigars..."Even though it's fake, this author's book will make your eyes water and your lungs heave from the acrid aroma it exudes. Don't humidor her (heh, heh, we crack ourselves up sometimes) by buying this. And furthermore, the book jacket does NOT double as a ring."

Brach's Jelly Nougat..."People will dislike this fake author even more than they dislike us!"

Teaberry Gum..."The author needs to be chewed out for this travesty of fake literature. After the initial sugary rush, the tale quickly loses its appeal, and begs one to unceremoniously toss it into the nearest trash can."

Marshmallow "Ice Cream" on Stale Cones..."No matter how hard she tries, Thevictorian will never make us believe that this is a real book. She does NOT make our hearts melt, nor do we scream for more of her work."

Nik-L-Nips..."Let's lift ourselves in a toast to Ms. Thevictorian's fake book. A toast fraught with chemicals and bad taste, likely to send one of us choking uncontrollably!"

PONG..."This simplistic fake book is more boring than a primitive video game. You read one page and wait for something to happen, then you read the next page and wait for something to happen. Thevictorian's fake works will not age well."

The Joy of Sex..."I do not want to be on a shelf anywhere near this fake tome. It's not even worth a Peter Max book cover to disguise it from prying eyes. This fake book takes the joy out of everything. Me included."

Peter Max..."Don't drag ME into this. The author has showed her true colors: taupe and battleship gray."

Tooled Leather Saddlebag Purse With a Rawhide String To Loop Around the Closey Thing..."Hang it up, Thevictorian! Somebody needs to tan your hide!"

Clackers..."This fake author should be banned before somebody is seriously injured! Reading these pages makes us want to bang our heads against each other. Again and again. Faster and faster! Look out, innocent bystanders!"

Mood Ring..."This fake book puts me in a black mood. I cannot recommend it to anyone who wishes to remain upbeat and happy."

Go-Go Boots..."This fake book is made for trashin', and that's just what I'll do. One of these days this fake book is gonna be trash, that's all, to you."

Smiley Face..."This fake author turns me upside down!"

Troll Doll..."EEK! This fake book was so bad that it made my hair stand on end!"

Pop Beads..."What a fake excuse for a book! Thevictorian needs to snap out of it, and string together a more esthetic strand of words to please people who are older than 10."

Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots..."These here are fightin' words! People should be fighting to get their fake money back! We'd really like to knock Thevicorian's block off!"

Chatty Cathy..."If I was this fake author, I would SHUT UP! In print form."

Earth Shoes..."This fake book may be ugly, but everybody's gotta have one. Heh, heh! Like you believe that! Only half of it is true, and you know which half."

Toe Socks..."This book makes us uncomfortable. Just because it's for fake sale doesn't mean you have to fake buy it and fake read it."

Ayds Diet Candy..."I predict that in ten years, nobody will have ever heard of this author or her fake book! She will be regarded as a plague thrust upon the publishing world."

White Leather Grommet Belt..."This fake story has more holes than ME! Thevictorian needs to cinch her words tighter to hold up the premise of a romance novel, because this story sags at inopportune times."


  1. Clackers! Earthshoes! Troll dolls (and their hair does NOT grow back if you cut it, much to my dismay)! Go-Go boots--I didn't get a pair of those until they went out of style.

    Nik-L-Nips? Those stopped me, screeching, in my tracks. Enlighten, please.

    1. Surely you remember the little carton of wax soda bottles! Much cheaper than they are here, because I used to buy them at the little store on the next street over, with my 50-cents-every-other-week allowance, and a whole paper sack of other candy along with them.

  2. This fake book is going to be about as successful as Blackjack gum.

    1. Oh, good. A tie-in for promotional purposes!

      Is that the gum people used to mask the smell of alcohol on their breath? That could be perfect. You have to be drunk to READ THIS FAKE BOOK!

    2. Black Jack was licorice flavor, not the "Sen Sen" gum.

  3. Every girl should have a not-fake sugar daddy!!

  4. I hope MaryBeth finds her true love. Those heartthrobs brought back my teenage memories!

    1. My sister asked for purple carpet in her room when we were building the house. All because it was Donny Osmond's favorite color. She put posters of him all over her walls.