Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Road to Submission is Paved With...

What? You expect me to work in this heat? For a salary of zero dollars and zero cents? That's not enough to keep me in sweat-stained trucker caps. I could topple off my paving machine, delirious from the sizzle of my broiled brain.

The road to submission if fraught with obstacles. You might as well try to taxi your yellow Alaskan bush plane with the bouncy fat rubber inner-tube tires down an interstate highway laid with police criminal-stopping spiky nail strips. Don't expect to get from Point A to Point B in the time listed on Google Maps. Even though, in your misspent youth, you could dash off an 'A' paper in fifty minutes, after two hours of sleep, and of questionable sobriety, that approach now will be about as successful as your yellow Alaskan bush plane take-off.

Time must be budgeted for obstacles. Side trips. You don't want to miss a stop by the Russell Stover candy outlet. CANDY, people! Cheap! And samples! Or you might want to ride a ferry across the Mississippi river and back, just to say you did. Or hike down a trail to see where a mastodon fossil was excavated. Or eat a delicious homestyle meal while dodging thrown rolls. Stop and smell the azaleas.

Good intentions are not good enough to pave this pig trail. I have a deadline to meet. And I need to find a flea market where I can purchase one of those Olivia Newton-John Let's Get Physical headbands.

The sweat of my brow is hindering my progress.


  1. You need a brow bucket. I have them for sale, so when you DO decide to put your nose to the grindstone, that waterfall of wetness will be contained.

    Fill out the attached form, and be sure to accurately measure your bony brow. A snug fit is crucial...

  2. You really do live in my neck of the woods! Throwed rolls!

  3. I read quite a few writers' blogs where schedules and timetables are discussed, as if writing is a logical process. Writing is more like herding cats.

  4. I did ride a ferry across the Mississippi. Only one way, however. Does that count?

  5. Great metaphor, and so true. But at least you can always write about those side trips!

  6. Sioux,
    I DO need a brow bucket! Another invention for you! I'll clear off some space on the counter so you can sell them in the front office of my handbasket factory.

    I have completed the measurement task. Looks like I'm going to need the Neanderthal style. The check is in the mail. Please rush my order, and throw in a free bucket, in case I decide to get rid of my unibrow.

    I've caught a few rolls. Still have them, in fact. Only now they're around my middle.

    I agree. My train does not leave the station on a reliable timetable. I could single-handedly be named the precipitating factor in the dismissal of ninety percent of the workforce on the eastern seaboard.

    Now I must sit and scratch my head until I figure out HOW YOU GOT BACK! Or maybe you just relocated to avoid another crossing. Hope you had a lovely house-warming party on the other side of the Mississippi!

    Tammy, know how I hate to put the spotlight on myself.