Sweaving Ms Daze-y

Thursday was our casino trip with The Pony. Don't ask! Nobody left a winner. Hick was probably the smallest loser, by way of spending less than The Pony and I. The Pony lost his shirt, and I lost my shirt and pants and socks! Good thing I didn't take my whole wardrobe with me!

 

Anyhoo... on Sunday I'll show you our lunch pictures, which was the high point of the trip. Today we shall be concerned with the trip itself, and Hick's logic. Hey! Stop laughing! Hick DOES have logic. Just a different form than most people in the world.

 

You may recall that Hick's method of driving is best described as SWEAVING. It's a combination of swerving and weaving. He'll drift towards the center line, or those wake-up bumps signifying the shoulder, and then yank A-Cad back.

 

I was chatting with The Pony most of the way, and only dared complain when were were about to veer under the belly of a semi truck like the Griswald family getting their tree in Christmas Vacation. As Hick's excursions go, this one felt fairly safe. UNTIL THE LAST 30 MILES HOME.

We were off the interstate, and back on a curvy, hilly, two-lane blacktop lettered highway. Hick had finished eating his giant 3 Musketeer candy bar, and had taken a break from tossing his head back to swill Diet Mountain Dew. He put the pedal to the metal. So obvious was the transition that I thought:

"This is like being on one of those rocket sleds NASA used to see how much G-force the astronauts could take!"

Okay. I actually said it out loud. Hick was in the middle of snorting and saying, "No. No it's not," when THUNK! A bird crashed into the windshield!

"Mom. Was that just a bird?"

"Yeah. I bet he's not flying anymore. I thought it was coming through the windshield to kill me! Dad is going so fast that even a bird couldn't get out of the way!"

"Oh, malarky! He was probably coming in for a landing."

Just then, Hick topped a curvy hill, and almost sideswiped a small red sedan. I gasped and threw myself against the passenger door.

"What are you doing?"

"You almost sideswiped that car! You were riding the center line, and he was riding the center line, and I thought I was going to die! You have to stay on your side when you're going over a hill!"

"I don't know why you're so jumpy."

"You just knocked a BIRD out of the sky! I'm still in a daze. Who can blame me for being jumpy!"

"I wish you would try shutting your left eye and try to drive!"

"I wish YOU would try shutting your... mm... hahaha, your mm... hahaha, your mm..." 

I was laughing so hard I couldn't talk. I could form my lips to say the word MOUTH, but I couldn't make any sound. It was one of those hysterical laughing fits. The Pony was watching me from the back seat, shaking with laughter, unable to help me, though I'm pretty sure he knew what word I was trying to say. I finally got it out, with much gasping and wheezing. I reached up to smooth down some tendrils of hair that had fallen onto my forehead (the party-in-the-back of my Lovely Lady Mullet is migrating to the front), and RIGHT THEN, a brown leaf blew against the windshield in front of my face, and skipped off.

"Mom. Did you think that leaf was coming through the windshield?"

"No. I just happened to be fixing my hair. And trying to figure out what Dad is wishing for! Let me get this right... You want me to CLOSE MY LEFT EYE, and drive like you, so I can endanger our lives the same way YOU do??? What kind of wish is THAT?"

Never a dull (or safe) moment when you ride shotgun with Hick.