Let’s All Go to the Lobby, and Get Ourselves a Snack

Blog buddy Joe H recently had a run-in with a Negative Nancy at the movies. Let the record show that Val did not leave Missouri on the date in question. You can check T-Hoe’s On-Star records.

Now, Val doesn’t have such a posh thee-ay-tor as Joe. Uh uh. Backroads has a four-plex, and that’s that. No reclining seats there. You’re lucky if you can get a seat with a…well…a SEAT, and a back. Sometimes a row is roped off with yellow crime-scene-like tape. That doesn’t mean it’s reserved for somebody famous. It means you might become impaled on some pokey-outy part of the seat that has lost its upholsteration.

I haven’t been to the movies in a long time. Probably since I took my mom to see The Heat, or Genius to see one of those Hunger Games sequels. Nothing tempts me lately. That’s sad, because I really DO enjoy going to the movies. And the snacks. Especially the snacks. Maybe because of the snacks. No. I’m not like my sister the ex-mayor’s wife, who has been known to stop by the four-plex, scam her way in without a ticket, buy popcorn, and leave with her bounty. But we’ll get to refreshments later. Just like I do when I go to the movies.

Our theater does not sell the seat when you buy the ticket. Nope. It’s festival seating. First come, first seat-picking. Heh, heh! I said seat-PICKING! Had to throw that in for my club. Anyhoo…I have no issue with getting to the movies early. As soon as they open, if it’s the first showing. I want my seat! And it’s the row of four in the back, seat on the aisle. Only one row is behind it. And if the universe is smiling on me that day, nobody will sit there.

Here’s Val’s biggest pet peeve about the movie theater. A pet peeve so big it might as well be kept in a pet peeve zoo. Val’s ferocious humongous pet peeve is LATECOMERS!

I know there will be the preliminaries that start at the “showtime” listed in the paper. That we will get commercials for Coke, inside clips about upcoming movies and TV. Then there will be previews. A lot of them. Which now show almost the entire plot of future movies. But I don’t mind. That’s part of movie-going. The part that makes my blood boil, though is when somebody comes in late, and

THE USHER ASKS YOU TO MOVE OVER!

The not-heaven you say! No way am I moving over from the seat I got there early to PICK, just to make it convenient for a latecomer and companions to take them with no effort! The not-heaven with being polite! If they want to split up, or want to climb over me to get to those one or two empty seats on my row, then go for it. I don’t care if you have to expend the effort of a climb from base camp to the summit of Mt. Everest (without Sherpas) to get to those seats. You should have planned ahead. I am not here to make your life easier. I am not a seat-saver like Cosmo Kramer at the Tony Awards. I don’t care how many people you disturb trying to find a seat. I am NOT giving you mine!

You might assume that once Val picks her seat at the movies, she’s never getting up. You know what happens when we assume! Val will gladly get up from her picked seat in order to purchase snacks. Of course, she has her personal Pony as a seat saver. Or Hick, if he’s invited. You might assume that if Hick is invited, he’s going to be tasked with fetching the food. Didn’t you learn what happens when we assume? Hick can’t be trusted to get the snacks! He does it wrong! AND he sometimes denies The Pony his requests. Who is Hick to decree what The Pony can consume at the movies? You’d think he’s the one paying!

The movies in Backroads try to scam you on the snacks. No, I’m not just talking about the atmospheric prices. They try to serve up previously-prepared foodstuffs! NEVER buy your snacks as you go into the theater! That is crazy. You are getting OLD popcorn! With the amount you pay, you deserve to have that popcorn harvested out back and shucked right before your eyes! My tactic is to go pick my seat, and wait until I smell popcorn. Then I go get the fresh stuff. You have to be careful, though. The clerks are crafty. They stockpile the already-popped stuff in a big flip-top bin, like commonly used to scoop ice out of, and then try to pawn that off on you as fresh. IT IS NOT! It is cold! Old! Possibly very full of mold. AND they jam that scooper down in there to make sure they crush as many kernels as possible, and dip up crumbs into your bag. So…you have to say, “Nuh nuh nuh! I want my popcorn from the bin that’s popping now!”

Oh, and if you get the large combo with refills, make sure you get the refills! I used to get them for my mom, taking her a big bag of popcorn and a giant Diet Coke. Mom LOVED the movies, even if she didn’t go! And when she DID go, she wouldn’t have the snacks there. But she would sure take them home with her.

Movie ticket prices in Backroads are fairly economical compared to the big city. So I don’t mind paying for snacks. It’s part of the movie-going experience for me. However…I am not above sneaking the candy part of our treat in with my movie purse. That’s right. I said MOVIE PURSE. A separate purse, with ample room for The Pony’s Cookie Dough Bites, and Val’s Junior Mints, and Genius’s Reese’s Pieces. It does not behoove The Pony to complain. Val is taking those snacks in, whether he is embarrassed or not. Or perhaps he fears being caught and thrown out, which is possibly why he cautions me to walk slowly so my purse doesn’t rattle. Also inside the movie purse are my glasses, a book or magazine, a tiny flip-top spiral notebook and pen in case some prime blogging material breaks out, and butter-flavored salt. We Thevictorians do not want butter making our popcorn soggy. But we’re fine with adding hypertension to our snack for flavor.

Wow! This makes me nostalgic. I need to check the movie schedule. I’ll use the internet. I do NOT want to call and get some hipster doofus acting like a movie timetable recording.