In fact, when I got up this morning, at 2:30 a.m., I never would have suspected I'd make it to the bathroom without breaking a bone. I took several steps, but an unknown force pulled me to the right. It was fine while I was going around the end of the bed, but when I wanted to make a beeline for the bathroom, I kept veering. Like a drunk college freshman with chronic vertigo at a frat party after spinning around fifty times with my head on the end of a baseball bat. I slammed my shoulder and entire right side into the door frame. I think even Hick, head under the quilt, lulled by the roar of his breather, noticed.
Ha ha! The joke was on me. While I had to get up at 5:00 and get dressed to attend a professional development day at work, Hick got up and went, then returned up the driveway 20 minutes later.
"I'm dizzy. Every time I hit a bump, my head spins. I can't drive like this. I'm staying home. I'll have The Pony drive me to the doctor at 8:00."
Never mind that Val had to drive herself to work. And work. All day.
The Pony was cheated out of his day off, during which he had planned to lay around and write poems. It's not like he could drive both of us. Hick is the squeakiest wheel. The stickiest wicket. The unhappiest camper. Okay. Maybe you find that last one hard to believe. But Val always goes to work when she's sick. Hick...not so much.
Sick days, sick days everywhere, but not a one to take. Today. Because it was professional development. Without it, Val would not develop properly for her last year of employment. Missing on such a day is as frowned upon as having sex with the cleaning lady on your desk. So...I went to school. I coughed through the guest speaker's three-hour presentation. In fact, I coughed so much that a colleague at my table, let's call her Sweet Alabama Beige, leaned over and said, "If I had a cough drop, I'd give it to you."
"Cough drop? I have one in my mouth RIGHT NOW!" And I weren't a-woofin'! Never mind that Sweet Alabama Beige had four individually-wrapped fruity Life Savers laying there in front of her. I suppose she wasn't THAT keen on helping 'ol Val. Fair enough. I went through six cough drops (not the tasty wild cherry Smith Brothers kind,
Yes. I was a Virus Val, spreading my sickness like Typhoid Mary dishing up tasty diseased meals. I cautioned all who sat at my table to abandon hope. Only two were brave enough to join me. And one was as sick as me. In an effort to stay hydrated (because Val Thevictorian knows what's the best treatment for a cold), I drank five bottles of water and one cup of hot chocolate between 8:00 and 3:00. Yes, I took an unauthorized bathroom break.
It was during the 90-minute lunch period that I was almost caught (by the maintenance staff) with my vibrator. Let me explain. It's not one of those pleasurable vibrators. I haven't had one of those since my college roommates gave me one for a birthday present. I'm talking about the vibrating piece I took out of a neck pillow that I got for the pain in the back of my neck after my thyroid was mostly ripped out. This neck vibrator is great for placing on the side of one's nose, or above one's eyes to relieve nasal congestion. Vibrates the snot out of ye, it does!
Here's picture of it right after the near-catching:
I had just turned it off and set it aside so I could blow my nose. You know. To clear it of some of that yellow-green stuff that vibrated out my nostrils. And wouldn't you know it! Here came the little man with his big ladder. Because the very best time to fix a drip (for the past three weeks) in the ceiling due to a clogged air conditioner drain is at 12:15 on a Friday. Never mind the 8:00-11:30 and 1:00-3:00 time blocks. Oh, and did you know that fixing it requires two men, and two ladders, and the turning off of one's thermostat? The thermostat that runs the air conditioner on a day that reached 94 degrees here in the greater Backroads area.
Maybe Hick is NOT the unhappiest camper...
Now I think I'm coming down with something.
ReplyDeleteI hope you didn't put your cell phone in your mouth!
Deletehttps://www.pinterest.com/pin/279856564316958265/
ReplyDeleteNo thank you. I prefer to suffer and complain!
DeleteSo sorry to hear you're under the weather. I hope you recover quickly. Take care.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I took care today. A trip to town for Urgent Care.
Delete'Vibrates the snot out of ye' - Val you have a way with words that is unequalled. I feel like I was there watching. Thank you ...
ReplyDeleteVal is always happy to help out the voyeurs.
DeletePerhaps for the PD you should have brought in your portable desk... You know, the one with the shelf underneath--the shelf for the alarm clock?
ReplyDeleteThat would have been perfect. And I could have brought my private bathroom, too, if the company hadn't locked me out.
DeleteI'd think a snot-vibrator would make me more dizzy, but I'm kind of wanting to try it. Hosing with my Neti pot gets tiresome.
ReplyDeleteYou'd better get to vibratin', because that Neti pot is an instrument of death. Don't use tap water!
DeleteHere's a little secret technique you can use when you get your very own nasal vibrator. If you push the end of your nose sideways with it just right, you can make yourself sneeze! That is fantastic for loosening up the sinus mucus!
I think I'll stick with a dash of pepper to make me sneeze the snot right out of my nose instead of a germy nose vibrator.
ReplyDeleteHow dare you cast aspersions on my nose vibrator! You have been spending too much time with that...that...MADAM who loves to provoke me!
DeleteIt's not like I shove the thing up my nose. Contrary to the scuttlebutt, Val's nose it not big enough to drive a T-Hoe through, not big enough to throw a cat through (like the south wall of the tool shed Tom Chaney was allowed to stay in at the farm of Mattie Ross of near Dardanelle in Yell County in True Grit), and not big enough to jam that neck-pillow-vibrator into!
Now I am off to use my HOME nose-vibrator, which is properly applied to the bridge, sides, and ball of the nose, as well as the ridge above my eyebrows. Good day to your and your pepper, Madam-friend!