In the never-ending selfless quest to provide her pupils with the basic necessities of life, such as Puffs With Lotion tissues for their snotty noses, which they use at approximately one box every two days...Val Thevictorian was struck with a burning question this very morning as she stowed away a three-pack in her classroom cabinet.
How strong does plastic have to be to hold Puffs together?
This question bubbled up in Mrs. Thevictorian's mind when she had difficulty separating the three boxes of Puffs from their hermetically-sealed, see-through plastic cocoon. After attempting a fingernail and tooth entry like a rank amateur, Mrs. Thevictorian switched to the old standby: car keys. A simple jab did not do the trick, so she had to resort to sawing with T-Hoe's long ignition key. And lest you ask, "Why doesn't Val just use the scissors?" Let the record show that Mrs. Thevictorian's scissors are put away properly in her desk, a hypotenuse away from the cabinet by the door where the tissues are stored.
Seriously. How tightly does this trio of Puffs need to be bound together? It's not like I'm going to use them as a raft to travel from Cuba to Florida. They don't have to withstand hurricane winds. Or protect the gold in Fort Knox. I'm not going to toboggan off Mount Everest on my triple-Puffs pack. Not using it to patch the hull of a battleship. It's not like I'm going to pry the boxes apart in the store, pay for one, and stuff the other two down my pants over my rumpus to shoplift them out the door while impersonating a Kardashian.
Hey, Procter and Gamble! Lighten up on the packaging. It shouldn't have to be this hard to get a good blow.
I tightening my filter on that.
ReplyDeleteI think it was a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry David tries to open a plastic cover for some scissors...very funny bit.
My morning fix is sealed by a glue gun or something similar. Every time I go to open a new bag of those dark chocolate covered pretzel thins, it's like trying to break into Ft. Knox.
ReplyDeleteA good blow ha-ha-ha
In a COUPLE of ways, you really pushed the limits with that last line. No Vacillating Val you are. You look at the line (hee hee--I said line) and climaxed with something explosive.
ReplyDeleteBravo for being the risk-taker, Val...
You're right; it should never be hard to get a good blow. There's more I could add to this sentence but since you're a nice Victorian lady, I won't.
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing at the packaging of some products and you wonder...
ReplyDeleteAnd I love the Pony's purchase!
This is why I always carry a buck knife on my belt. (Not really but it might solve so many of these problems.)
ReplyDeleteMore trips to doc-n-the box result from grown-ups trying to open see-through packaging than from horrific toys such as jacks, lawn darts, and cabbage patch dolls.
ReplyDelete(loving my mental image of you tobogganing off Mount Everest on your triple-Puffs pack)
joeh,
ReplyDeleteAfter those emails you get from scheming vixen, I can't believe you would tighten your filter to possibly exclude some of VAL'S content!
Opening plastic packaging to get at scissors? I think that might be ironic. Not that I'm an expert on irony, you see, or even understand the basic tenets of irony...but I think that qualifies.
*****
Linda,
Nothing worthwhile is easy to obtain. You can quote me on that. Lay off the T-shirts, though. I might market them on the counter of my proposed handbasket factory.
If you partook of unflavored rice cakes every morning, you would have no problem accessing them.
*****
Sioux,
Oh...you saw what I did there. I knew that if anybody would catch that, it would be you, Madam. Val is not one to yada yada...um...difficult nasal-clearing.
*****
Stephen,
Thank you for recognizing that Val is one classy broad. And thanks for not bringing up Mrs. Chatterbox and that pony in the feathered cap.
*****
Lynn,
Thankfully, The Pony's purchase was completely unwrapped. Let's just hope there was nothing other-worldly attached to it.
*****
Catalyst,
If you're pretend-carrying a buck knife on your belt, might as well pretend-carry a Colt's Dragoon in a flour sack. It might come in handy if you're down by the creek and see Tom Chaney.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lb8E3qQVKY
Leenie,
Thanks to those mental images, I am virtually exsanguinating from my blood-thinner.
I prefer sailing my triple-Puffs pack alongside Diana Nyad as a support craft if she gets another bee in her bonnet to swim from Cuba to Florida.