Oh, dear. Val had another one of those moments yesterday.
I was perusing the headlines, trying to keep my head afloat in the world of current events. Perhaps find something to bring up in my classes, share with my teenage masses, topics that go along with our subject matter. Like the Philae probe landing on comet 67P, or the Mt. Kilauea eruption that recently ignited homes, or those fifty Nicaraguans trying to push a beached whale back into the ocean. Maybe I could even find a wacky headline for Joe H.'s weekly contest.
There it was! Something for my pupils AND for Joe H.
"Dunking Your Head in Olive Oil Could Cut Heart Attack Risk in Six Weeks"
Well! You can't beat that with a stick! Two uses for one news story. So I meant to click on it and read it, but my eyes were torn away by some intriguing tale on down the page. But it was in the back of my mind. Dunking your head in olive oil, you say! I imagined a bald man dipping his head in oil, like when George Costanza was up to some hanky-panky with The Old Man's Jamaican housekeeper. What about the hair? How was that supposed to work if you weren't bald? Did you massage the oil into your scalp? Wouldn't shampoo negate the positive benefits? Because I would never go to bed with my hair slathered in olive oil. And I surely wouldn't go off to work with oily hair, in case I did the dipping in the morning. This was becoming a problem. I want to lower my heart attack risk in six weeks just as much as a bald man! I couldn't really concentrate on my other stories, so I scrolled back up the page to my provocative headline.
Oops! My headline wasn't quite the same as I remembered it. Never mind.
"Dunking Your Bread in Olive Oil Could Cut Heart Attack Risk in Six Weeks."
These glasses are really much worse than I thought.
Damn, I almost stole that headline. At least I didn't try dunking my bald head in olive oil, and I'm not going to make any Popeye jokes either.
ReplyDeleteAnd I read it and thought it said, "Dunking Your BED..." I envisioned the whole mattress becoming a giant Slip 'n Slide. Heart attacks would decrease because of the exercise you'd have to engage in while sleeping. You'd slip off the oily bed, fall off, and have to get back on. Then, you'd fall off again, and the cycle would continue all night.
ReplyDeleteOh, how many times have I done this in recent years.
ReplyDeleteAnd I just thought, "Wow! Now I have a use for that too tight shower cap I just bought. I'll sleep with my olive oiled hair. Sure glad you adjusted your glasses.
ReplyDeletejoeh,
ReplyDeleteHackackackackackackack! That's my Popeye laugh. Ms. Oyl, the Sweet-Pea-sitter, spelled her name all highfalutin.
http://www.hark.com/clips/mjysnfhwgw-popeyes-laugh
******
Sioux,
That would have made me invest in olive oil.
*****
Catalyst,
Is that a rhetorical question? Or is it a question at all? Because I understand rhetorical questions. They're not all obscure like irony. But in case it isn't a rhetorical question, and is a matter of choosing a quantity, like how many marbles fit in a Fiat 500L, then I'll say...you've done this 183 times in recent years.
******
Linda,
You might need a whole wetsuit if you listen to Sioux, Joe H. would have you believe that a stylist, Ms. Oyl, can give your hair that treatment, and hey! Have you heard? Catalyst is having a contest to guess how many times he has read Emily-Litella-style in recent years.
Uh huh. Come to Val for breaking news, and leave with a plethora of possibilities.
What’s all this fuss about endangered feces! How can something like that be endangered?
ReplyDeleteLeenie,
ReplyDeleteYou missed the news! Feces are endangered because now they are being used in feces transplants for people with chronic diarrhea. Of all the days for you to miss reading Val's breaking news blog, you snoozed and lost on FECES TRANSPLANT DAY!
OH.......nevermind.
DeleteThe good news is, your buddy R.R. learned all about feces transplants, and I believe she said, in closing, "Well, it just goes to show you, it's always something."
DeleteI'm imagining you slathered in olive oil . Interesting...
ReplyDeleteStephen,
ReplyDeleteOh, dear. That would jack up the prices of olive oil worldwide, due to shortages. I only thought of dipping my head. Sioux is the perpetrator of the whole-body immersion by way of an oil-dipped mattress.
Now if you had imagined me draped in velvet...that would be more feasible.