We had a bit of an
issue in the bowels of the Thevictorian homestead the other night. If you care
to continue, I feel I must inform you: Some Readers May Find the Alluded-To
Images Offensive.
I can’t speak for the
gentlemen, but I am sure the ladies know what I am talking about when I mention
the horror of placing one’s derriere on a toilet seat, only to discover
something horribly amiss. Liquid where liquid shouldn’t be, perhaps. Or the
residue of such shouldn’t-be liquid acting as an unwanted adhesive, sticking
bare derriere flesh to plastic or porcelain. It is, as we might say, an icky
situation.
When such a calamity
befell my ample buttocks Wednesday evening, I declared to myself, “Val, you are
NOT going to take this affront sitting down!” By this late stage, I have pretty
much coerced all the men in my household to keep their noses clean when it
comes to body fluids on toilet seats. It’s amazing how a shrill voice and the
withholding of sustenance can persuade men to straighten up and fly right
Since the horrific
incident occurred in the basement NASCAR bathroom, I had one likely culprit.
“PONY! Why is my butt
sticking to the toilet seat?”
“I don’t know. I don’t
even go in there.”
This is not true. The
Pony goes in there all the time to get water in his silver bejeweled water cup.
Not from the toilet, of course. From the sink. And let the record show that
when I bought him the water cup, the only two available in that style were
silver bejeweled and pink bejeweled.
“I know you were in there
last night. And not for water. You closed the door. AND YOU FLUSHED!”
“Oh. But I wiped the
seat with toilet paper!”
“That’s not good
enough. Now I’m stuck to the residue. You need to use water when you wipe it
off. Or don’t get it on the seat to start with. I swear. I don’t know what it
is with you guys.”
Seriously. When you’re
learning, you are right on target, sinking those Cheerios like a champ. Then
you get all comfy with your special purpose, and your short attention span
doesn’t last as long as the average pee. La, la, la…look around at the wall
adornments, out the window, inside your belly-button. Who knows what goes through
your mind. I used to accuse Genius of putting his hands on his hips and
pinwheeling that thing while squealing WHEEEE like Maxwell the GEICO pig. He
might as well have been Jackson Pollock creating a masterpiece several times a
day.
Don't even get me started on that unique skill men have of spraying solids horizontally out the other side of their nether regions.
I could be singing a duet with you.
ReplyDeleteAbout poo.
And what men can do,
which results in stinky goo
on the seat in the loo.
Now I must bid you adieu...
OMG, I refuse to comment. Put this down as a "no comment".
ReplyDeleteWell I for one was affronted. And taken aback. Get it? Afronted and abacked? Because you covered both ends?
ReplyDeleteVal, keeping their nose clean is one thing...having good aim is another. Oh brother! I am glad we have two bathrooms. I refuse to sit on his seat. Well, you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteMy wife used to complain about keeping the bathroom clean, especially the floor around the toilet. I thought she was making too big a fuss about it so one day I got down on my hands and knees to clean it myself. I was horrified! She couldn't be the reason for all those pee splatters; I was the culprit. So from then in a decided to pee sitting down, in our house anyway. No more problem.
ReplyDeletePlease don't tell Hick I pee sitting down. For some reason his opinion is... Oh, hell, tell him if you want.
Sioux,
ReplyDeleteIf you think you could be singing a duet with me...obviously, Madam, you have never heard me sing.
*****
Catalyst,
You were warned. Proceeding at your own risk, you have learned to heed the warning next time. See? Another valuable public service provided by Val. Men must learn to thicken their skin or apply a protective coating before reading through Val's blog.
*****
Tammy,
I see what you did there! If only you had worked in the word "privy" you could have said, "Heh, heh."
*****
Linda,
I know EXACTLY what you mean. They don't even try to aim. Why should they, when they know somebody else will clean it for them?
*****
Stephen,
See? Now you're better at not aiming, You have found a solution.
Shh...Hick, too, pees sitting down. I don't think it's from the years of nagging, or the desire to make my life easier. In fact, I'm SURE it's not to make my life easier. He's just getting older, and makes himself comfortable.
But I'd still like to know how he can spray like a skunk on top of the seat out the other side while sitting down. I'm sure you hold the key to that secret, but maybe I don't want that image rattling around in my brain.
Sometimes, curiosity should not be resolved. Just ask that proverbial cat. Wait! You can't, because...well...he won't hear you and can't answer any more.
You can't shock me with toilet issues!
ReplyDeleteI have seen it all
Including snot on the wall ......
Kathy,
ReplyDeleteI will see your snot on the wall, and raise you a snot-under-the-desk that I stuck my hand in and pulled away stringing it like opaque, warm salt-water taffy. Please don't try to raise me with any poop issues. This was a snot hand.
So many bodily fluids, so little time. You know, there are other slimy bodily fluids that would imitate snot .......
ReplyDeleteKathy,
ReplyDeleteOK! You win! Take the pot! Take it now! I fold.