Hope you didn't think I was finished with my Hickisms yesterday. He was on a roll, giving me a two-fer Friday. Not only did he declare that poison and sugar-water are virtually identical, he enlightened the family on one of his new reality TV shows.
We were on our way home from Genius's Last Supper at a local steakhouse. Hick was devil-may-caringly sweaving us down the divided highway while T-Hoe died a little bit inside. We blobbed lethargically in our black leather seats, digesting meat and potatoes and salad and rolls. The Pony sat pecking on his laptop. Genius was directly behind me, but I assumed he was listening to music on his phone. Hick finished sneezing 14 times in a row, then waxed philosophic while waving his free, non-driving arm. One of his favorite topics lately has been the grisly discovery of a body in a septic tank in outer Backroads, and the recent break in the case that led to an arrest.
"I seen on my show the other night that they waited two years to get one of those mob guys. They filterpated his group until they had enough information to arrest him."
The first snort came from The Pony. I did not even think he was listening. Then Genius chortled and said, "I think you mean infiltrated. Not filterpated. They infiltrated the mob." He's a helpful guy, that Genius. Like a walking thesaurus with an autocorrect feature. I, on the other hand, groped for my purse to grab a pen and tiny spiral notebook to jot down the infraction.
Saturday morning, Hick denied his filterpated faux pas. His protests fell on deaf ears. Two boys and one notebook can't be wrong.
Hey, if Shakespeare could make up words, why not Hick. I like "filterpated."
ReplyDeleteKids ONLY pay attention when we're screwing up. How do they develop such unerring timing?
ReplyDeleteDid he masturbate his steak at dinner?
ReplyDeletePerhaps he is dyslexic and hard of hearing. Therefore, he believes you are beautiful, trustworthy and a boon to his life. None of this makes any sense, like your husband. Jeez, you make me glad I am single.
ReplyDeleteI'm married to one of those quotable kind of guys, too. I told him I am going to start writing down his Billisms. He tries so hard and really thinks he's made the correct word choice. Outside I'm listening; inside I am either laughing or cringing.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Stephen. Filterpated: adjective--to be completely enamored with reality television shows about sewers, bearded rednecks, and undercover crime investigation.
ReplyDeleteStephen,
ReplyDeleteYou are Hick's best advocate. Yes, I suppose he IS allowed to be linguistically creative. I have been known to make up my own words from time to time. The only difference is that I KNOW I am making them up.
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Sioux,
They have superhuman skills of focus, as long as they are working toward the common goal of humiliating THE ENEMY.
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joeh,
He masticated himself into oblivion.
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knancy,
Yeah, that's the ticket. WAIT A MINUTE! I think you just called me ugly, conniving, and a cold-hearted fishwife! Don't make me call you MADAM! I actually grow fonder of Hick by the day. He's a boon to my writing.
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Linda,
See, that's the difference. Bill tries. Hick spouts things as fact, because he thinks we don't have enough info to refute him. Like that time he declared all hookers have long black hair parted in the middle.
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Leenie,
I agree with the adjective part. Though to me, it sounds like a person needing some Ex-Lax.
Ha, ha, ha! Even Steven got me for that comment (even though I didn't mean it that way) by killing my electrical power for 12 hours and my internet connection for three days! I am looking forward to some new words to learn and add to my vocabulary. And be sure to tell Hick, "Thank you."
ReplyDeleteknancy,
ReplyDeleteWell, then. Steven evened you for something else, past or future. I feel your pain in the loss of juice and computer. All I can say is, "Better you than me!" But I WON'T say it, because I don't desire a Stevening.