The following public service announcement is brought to you by Val Thevictorian and Theodor Geisel. If he does not appreciate second billing, let's see him do something about it.
Do Not Eat the Honey Mustard
Do not eat the honey mustard.
It is not a tasty custard.
Do not eat it! You'll be flustered!
Do not eat that rotten fare.
Twas just last night I left it there!
I don't know why YOU give a care.
I really want my honey mustard.
Let me have it, you old horse-turd!
Would you like to catch ptomaine?
Eat it then! You'll writhe with pain.
I do not think I'll catch ptomaine.
It's still half-full. The best remains.
Chicken dipped in once, twice, thrice...
Ask Costanza. It's no vice.
Warm, uncovered, out all night?
I can't wait to grab a bite.
Would you slurp it, finger-lickin'?
Later on, you won't be kickin'.
Yes, finger-lickin'. I'll be kickin'.
First I will swirl. Then I will twirl.
I do so like it here and there.
Nom. Honey mustard everywhere!
Here, you try it. Take a bite.
I'm sure you'll say it tastes just right.
Desist, desist, I say, desist!
Why is it that you can't resist?
I can't desist. I love it so!
I'll eat it first, and then I'll blow.
I grip it, dip it, in the sauce.
Watch me! I'll show you who's boss!
Give that back! Not in the trash!
Let's think this through! Don't be rash!
Set it on that magazine.
I'll sneak it. Yeah. I won't be seen.
I truly love my honey mustard
Look how blobs of it have clustered...
Not-Heaven hath no fury like a teenager kept from his left-out-all-night plastic tub of honey mustard, teeming with mouth bacteria, finger-cooties, and partially-digested by chicken-strip-clinging saliva. It matters not that the smooth golden yellow had turned to a shiny metallic gold.
It's incidents like this that make Homer Simpson look perfectly rational in grabbing his sub sandwich out of the garbage can and stroking it like a puppy while microbes dance about his head like so many species of fly in the town dump.
There's a reason people pay big money for refrigerators.
Oh Val....I was really worried there for a while. I thought YOU were the finger lickin', honey mustard loving, crazy person!!
ReplyDeleteWhat doesn't kill them makes them stronger?
ReplyDeleteha-ha, this reminds me of the baby food jars with blueberry buckle contents gone to soup by the saliva enzymes from the spoon that I ate from. Theodore would be quite proud of your form.
ReplyDeleteI may never eat honey mustard again!
ReplyDeleteHow clever! Your talent is amazing.
ReplyDeleteDr. Seuss would be proud.
Becky,
ReplyDeleteI enjoy honey mustard as much as the next person, I've been known to lick a finger, and some may say I'm crazy (though out of earshot if they know what's good for them). HOWEVER...I do not ingest foodstuffs that sit on the cutting block without benefit of wrap and refrigeration for 23 hours.
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Sioux,
Genius has the strength of twenty Texas Rangers. The LaBoeuf kind in True Grit, not the baseball players. I wouldn't be surprised if he started meeting his hydration needs by lapping water from filthy hoofprints.
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Linda,
The mouth IS the first responder of the digestive system, you know.
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Stephen,
That's the point. You SHOULD NEVER eat honey mustard AGAIN. One time is enough, then discard the remains in the little plastic tub.
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Donna,
I am but a plagiarizer who supplies her own words.