Wednesday, September 3, 2014

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Resources




After the BBQ feast courtesy of Hick and Gassy G on Monday, I left the leftovers for Hick to refrigerate. He often comes back for more, so I am doing him a favor, actually, by letting that food sit out until he’s done.

Last night, I reached into Frig to grab some of those leftovers to warm in the oven for supper. OOF! That’s the sound of me heaving a hefty packet of pork steaks from the top shelf. They shouldn’t have been so heavy. Only three pork steaks. Not exactly half a hog. I threw my neck out and probably gave myself a herniated disk. When I went to unwrap the spoils, I found out why that packet lifted like a lead balloon.

The three pork steaks were wrapped in four feet of foil. I am not exaggerating! I measured. Hick took a two-foot section, put the pork steaks in a stack in the middle, and wound that foil around them. Then he ripped off another two feet of aluminum, put it across the top of that already-wrapped packet, and folded that around the silver lump.

Where, exactly, does he think these pork steaks are going?

It’s not like they will be travelling across the Namib, subject to scraping by swirling sands. They are not going to be dropped into a Port-A-Potty and sloshed around on the back of a honeywagon. And I’m pretty sure they are not going to accompany me to the afterlife after resting a spell beside my sarcophagus in my pyramid.

I used to work for the Missouri Division of Employment Security. That’s the unemployment office to you laypeople. I had a supervisor who abhorred the use of paperclips in the files. Not my first supervisor, Bob, with his almost transparent skin that he apparently washed with lye soap twelve times a day, thus necessitation heavy lotioning from 8:00 to 4:30. No, it was my second supervisor, Larry, who looked exactly like a real-life version of Ned Flanders, right down to the mustache.

“Why do you need paperclips in your files? I want you to pull every one of them. Those papers are not going anywhere. You put them in order, close the folder, and file it. Nothing is getting loose. They’re in the drawer. Not. Going. Anywhere.” Sheesh! You’d think he bought those paperclips himself. Maybe he was taking them home, building the world’s biggest ball of paperclips. Maybe not.

Normally, I prefer Hick to put the leftovers in flat white rectangular plastic containers we have gotten from Chinese carryout. Not perfectly flat, mind you, but about two inches deep, with a clear lid that adds another inch. Enough of this tomfoolery with the foil.

IT’S A NONRENEWABLE RESOURCE!

Hick is singlehandedly depleting our bauxite reserves. I’m so glad I only bought the Save A Lot regular Poly Steel brand, and not the Reynolds Wrap Heavy Duty.

I think Hick should be sentenced to the Sisyphean task of collecting every stray beer can from along the highways, county roads, rural byways, and pig trails of Backroads.

That seems fitting.

8 comments:

  1. Hick sure gives you a lot to write about. I hate aluminum foul and can never remember if the shiny side goes up or down.

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  2. Stick with the Chinese Tupperware!

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  3. This is hilarious! You should write a book about your family. Your mother alone provides me with so much humour!

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  4. Okay, you had me (snorting) at your first supervisor.

    The only man I know of that was obsessed with lotion nabbed a girl and tried to evade Jodi Foster.

    Creepy.

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  5. If Hick discovers aluminum is 47 cents per pound he may reconsider his wrapping material.

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  6. I'm thinking he should get the task of gathering up a giant ball of paper clips and used aluminum foil to roll up the stars of the nearest Missouri Division of Employment Security.

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  7. He was only trying to help ...... as my daughters will say to me whenever their Dad does something dumb.

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  8. Stephen,
    Hick is my cash cow. Well. Without the "cash" part. He's my fodder cow.

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    joeh,
    I don't know WHY he can't understand that! It's like recycling. We are re-purposing our Chinese take-out containers. Even the Chinese restaurant doesn't do that anymore. They have switched to that white foam stuff. And they STAPLE the edges together. Which is just so many shades of wrong.

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    Birdie,
    I've got a mom story in the queue, but I didn't have time for the nuances this evening.

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    Sioux,
    I would never have given Bob the hose again if he forgot to lotion. That would have left several cats without their main source support. And Kit was overweight, and needed the special Cycle Diet food!

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    Linda,
    Hick and Genius fight over the aluminum. You should have seen them that time my mom gave them an old screen door!

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    Leenie,
    Alas, the nearest one was turned into a library. Most of that stuff is done by phone now. Or I would still be doing it. I loved that job! And the paperclips! Oh, my!

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    Kathy,
    Yes. And he makes sure that I will never ask him to help with that task again. He's going to cover all of the tasks one of these days.

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