OK, time for some tough love. Those of you who slouched in looking for Living in a People-Watching Paradise II might as well sell your used textbook back to the bookstore. This class has been canceled, due to lack of interest. Don't go crying to the registrar for your refund. You fail to show up and snooze, you lose.
Oh, I'm sure there are several wiseacres among you irresponsible whippersnappers. Those who will say, "But Professor Val, we showed up and waited 15 minutes, then we left because you weren't here." That is NOT in the university bylaws. I was simply having difficulties with technology. My lesson was prepared. I thought I had published the syllabus. It certainly showed so from my side. But when I checked an hour later, there was no syllabus to be seen. Last semester's coursework was still displayed. And I was left with a list of six drafts, all the same, all unpublishable. A more-conspiracy-theory-oriented faculty member might even suspect that the Department of We Stick Our Collective Noses in Your Personal Business had infiltrated our faculty database.
Others may say that you slipped your assignment under the door of my office. Sure you did. The only one I received on time was from Mr. Chatterbox. Kudos, Mr. Chatterbox. You will get your credit. Since I am grading this class on the curve, you get the 'A'. Well done, sir.
To those of you who were grabbing a brew over at Delta House, Dean Wormer will be in contact. Giving your love a cherry with no stone, a chicken with no bone, and a story with no end is no way to go through life. And neither is fat, drunk, and stupid, according to Dean Wormer. Not that we had that talk personally, of course. Oh, and he would like me to inform you that whoever brought Mrs. Wormer home in a shopping cart and parked her on the front lawn will be subject to double-secret probation.
Any of you wishing to make amends and get back on track with your education may sign up for my new course in animal husbandry. It's enrolling now. A Thursday evening course that will include a lab on the first night. You might want to head over to the bookstore for your lab equipment. A pair of falconer's gloves is recommended. I think you can get them used.
I suggest you get a good night's sleep and show up tomorrow in your thinking cap. Be sure to thread the cable through your bicycle's frame when you lock it, or you're going to be riding a front tire back to the dorm.
I always heard we only had to wait 10 minutes. 15? That's an awful lot of leeway...
ReplyDeleteThat's not fair! I'm sure I left a comment. I'll bet that Chubby Chatterbox teacher's pet kid removed it!
ReplyDeleteYou just can't get enough higher learning, right? I would love to take a class, any class, from Professor Val.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a brown nose!
DeleteAre you having flashbacks or are you on the fast track to educating our youth this summer?
ReplyDeleteI need the course on animal husbandry. I would like to teach my animal husband how to pick up socks, not track mud in the house and stifle the rude noises.
ReplyDeleteSioux,
ReplyDeleteWhat kind of fly-by-night college did you attend, anyway? Ten minutes? That's preposterous! Not every professor possesses a Rascal to scoot across campus at the speed of light, you know.
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joeh,
That is a serious allegation! If, in fact, Mr. Chatterbox obtained your assignment by fraudulent means and placed his own name upon it, he will be expelled, stripped of his pledge pin, denied access to further toga parties, and left standing on the sidewalk bemoaning his misfortune: "Seven years of college, down the drain!"
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Stephen,
I think we can overlook this little plagiarism allegation. I see you have a thirst for knowledge, and as long as your fees are paid, I think we can set to work quenching it by serving you up one heck of a curriculum that is not at all watered down like the alcohol in New Jersey.
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Linda,
This would fall under the category of flashbacks. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not that ambitious. No use planning ahead. I live in the moment.
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Leenie,
I shan't be teaching such husbandly etiquette, due to the failure of my methods when attempted on my own Hick. This course will emphasize the animal, not the husband.