There I was, watching the local news this morning, when my dainty nostrils flared involuntarily. My delicate olfactory system had detected an unmistakable whiff of reproductively-capable male bovine bowel product.
The story was about a dog that had been very ill, had barely recovered from an apparent poisoning. The owner lady believed that her dog had ingested poison put out by her neighbors. Oh, she wasn't accusing them of trying to kill her dog. She was bending over backwards to justify their actions. The dog was a sweet-looking black lab mix. His name escapes me. Owner Lady was shown picking him up at the emergency vet facility, where he had spent several days. He now needs a special diet and medicine for a while. But he seemed to be in good spirits.
Over a video of Doggie wagging his tail and smiling, the newscaster voiced that Owner Lady believed Doggie had picked up the poison on a leashed walk through the neighborhood. Owner Lady purported that Doggie had either walked over poison pellets that homeowners had put out to kill squirrels or rats, then licked his feet, or he had eaten an animal that had been killed by the poison. BS! BS! BS! Which is it, Owner Lady? How could you not know what happened, holding the end of Doggie's leash?
Seriously. Own up to it, Owner Lady. People know you love Doggie. You spent a fortune having him healed. It is obvious in the way you speak of him, and the way he responds to you. We won't hold it against you. Just tell the truth already. Stop the charade.
Here are the possibilities:
*Doggie was let to run free through the neighborhood, maybe due to negligence, laziness, or the fact that he's a world-class escape artist.
*Doggie was walked by an irresponsible person, a child, perhaps, or a dog-walker of ill repute but bargain-basement price.
*You, Owner Lady, let Doggie eat yardkill, allowing him to actually be a dog and partake of the wonders of canininity, while you were holding the end of his leash.
Imagine yourself as a responsible dog-walker. I can't do so, because my dogs are country dogs, and run through the countryside, ears flapping in the breeze, baying at all manner of furry future victims, and rolling on odiferous carcasses with abandon. While on your walk, would you not notice if sweet Fido tiptoed through blue pellets and later licked at his toe jam? How could you NOT KNOW if sweet Fido was chowing down on a dead squirrel or rat WHILE YOU HELD HIS LEASH?
Sorry. I'm getting all worked up. Something does not add up in this tale of Doggie's woe. True, my mind is always trying to sniff out conspiracies. I like to analyze evidence. In my mind, I would make a good prosecutor. What a great job, to argue and cite bits of trivia from past cases and be paid for it.
Have I convinced the jury that something is amiss?
I think Oliver Stone should look into this as a possible subject for his next movie.
ReplyDeleteYOu got my vote.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I would notice my dog partaking of a dead squirrel or rabbit as I walked him on his leash.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, once my dog DID try to bring in a treat from outside: a dead squirrel who had apparently died running, because it was stiff as a board, it's front legs stretched in front of it and its tail stretched out straight behind it.
I shieked, my dog dropped it, and a disaster was neatly avoided...
Stephen,
ReplyDeleteI would gladly sell him the rights, even though it was not my dog, not my poison, and not my neighborhood. I wonder if that poor Doggie was exposed to the poison on a grassy knoll.
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joeh,
I will be sure to select you as one of my preferred jurors. When the judge asks if you know anybody associated with the case, make sure you don't raise your hand.
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Sioux,
Dogs look at the outdoors like one great big box of chew toys.