Hick's Harem Hijinks

Hick had just sat down with a bowl of pasta shells and a breadstick on Thursday evening when his phone rang. I could hear the ranting while Hick held it to his ear. Maybe it was just that loud, or maybe the sound flowed through Hick's head and came out his other ear...

It was one of the elderlies from the senior apartments. She started out asking if Hick had a minute to talk. 

"Well, I'm home, and I just sat down with my supper--"

I suppose that had just been a rhetorical question, because elderly Dog Lady cut off Hick's answer, and kept on harping. She was going so fast that I wasn't catching everything, and I took that time to change out of my town clothes. When I came back, Hick was saying

"I really can't do anything about that. Other than talk to her. Call the police."

Then some more hyper harping.

"Yes. That's a threat. Call the police, and they'll deal with it."

Dog Lady said, "Call the police? I'm doing that right now!" Hung up. No goodbye.

According to Hick, Dog Lady is the one who has the little dog, with a doctor's note that it's a service dog. And that she doesn't always take it outside, and sometimes it pees in the building. He's mentioned this issue to her before. The other residents don't like her because they think she gets special treatment for being allowed to have a pet. The elderly she was complaining about drinks all the time. Neither of them are the ones who "started the fire" a few weeks ago.

Anyhoo... according to Hick, Dog Lady said that Imbiber is always causing trouble, and told her, "I'm gonna kick your ass, and I'm gonna kill your dog!"

Which do, indeed, sound like threats. Nothing that Hick should be dealing with.

"They want me to be their babysitter! That's not my job. All I can do is talk to them, and I've done that before, telling them they'll have to get along, or they need to go live somewhere else."

"Now you'll be the bad guy again, if she calls the police, because people at the city will say you can't control your residents."

"Let 'em say that! I don't need this job." [EXACTLY!] "That's what my boss told the Mayor, when she started on him from what the Fire Chief said, about how we need this rule and that rule about smoking and the trash room. Like we don't already have rules. He told her, 'You know, I don't need this job. I make ZERO salary for doing it.' And then she apologized and said she wasn't blaming him. Well, I don't need it either. I make less than $300 a month. I just do it because I like the people."

I'll be interested to see how this situation turned out. Probably won't know until next week, since Hick doesn't go to lunch on Fridays, and has plans for something else on Monday.

Hick Is Not Only Man's Best Friend

Hick was his do-gooder helpful self earlier this week. He was leaving his SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5), sitting at the exit of the gravel lot, waiting for traffic to pass. A white dually truck was coming his way at about 45 mph, heading from nowhere towards town on the two-lane blacktop road.

"I pulled out, and I seen a dog in the back of the truck. He jumped up on the toolbox and started walking back and forth. It was some kind of heeler. Just then, he got too close to the edge, and fell off! On the shoulder side of the road. He rolled a couple times, and almost got run over by the back tires! I stopped, because I thought maybe I could catch him. He might be scared and run off. The guy driving the truck stopped and started walking back. I guess he seen the dog in the mirror.

I opened my door and got out, calling to the dog. And before I could grab him, he jumped up in my truck! Walked across the seat and sat down, like he belonged there! The guy came and tried to get him out, but he just looked at him and wouldn't move. The guy had to walk around and get him out the passenger side. I'm glad the dog was okay, and the guy got him back."

"Heh, heh! That dog was holding a grudge! 'How dare you let me fall out of the truck!' Heelers are smart. For that dog, a truck meant a ride. So when he saw your door open, he was ready to go! He didn't care about you or that guy. He just wanted to ride in the truck."

I'm relieved that the dog wasn't hurt. And relieved that the guy got him back. But mostly relieved that Hick didn't get hurt. That happens sometimes when do-gooder good-deeders stop along the road to help somebody.

Hick Gets Involved in Some Shady Business

Hick went to Walmart on Monday to get mini blinds for Bargain House. He needed seven. Three for the living room, and two for each bedroom. He bought them with our debit card, and took them to Bargain House on Tuesday to install them.

"I got to looking at them shades. We needed two for the big window in the living room. I thought something looked off. When I let down the shade, I seen that four of the ears were broke off. You know, the ends, past the cord that holds it together. I asked Old Buddy, 'Did you break off the ends on one of the shades?' And he said no. He said, 'Look. It ain't even the same color.' They was both white, but one seemed really white, and the other one kind of off.

I had taken the hardware out of the box to hang it. The hardware was closed up in plastic, just like with the other ones. But there was no sign of the broken off ears. Not on the floor, not in the box."

"Somebody returned it! I bet they bought a new shade, and put their old broken one in the box, and took it back with the receipt!"

"They might of. It's the only explanation for the different color, and the broken ends. I'll take it back and exchange it."

Which Hick did, on Tuesday. He was shocked at the procedure.

"I took that broken shade back and showed them. I said I'd just go back and get another one. But they wouldn't let me do that! They gave me a gift card for the amount on the receipt. And I had to go back and get another one, and then use the gift card to pay for it!"

"Yeah... that's how they do returns. They were doing that even when I was going to Walmart. And I haven't been there since 2020."

"So what will they do, credit our debit card?"

"No... they gave you back the money on a that gift card. So we're not out any money. You got it back, and spent it again on the other shade."

We're not out any money. Just a little incovenience for Hick, due to some rumpushole trying (and succeeding) to scam Walmart for a new mini blind.

Dumb Man Walking

To understand a Hick conversation, you have to be a little bit psychic. Sometimes, my "shine" is not at the level of Danny Torrance (any Stephen King readers get my drift?).

Tuesday evening, Hick started rattling on about something while I was making his supper of shell noodles with red sauce. I could hear him, but didn't have a clue what was going on.

"You'll never believe what Nick did today. He was out walking on U Highway, and headed for P highway. He had dropped his car off and they wouldn't give him a ride. So he was WALKING!"

Let the record show that Hick has several buddies named Nick. And that the most recent mention of a Nick was last week, when a Nick died. I was pretty sure that wasn't the Nick in Hick's tale, but there's also a Nick that is a regular at Hick's SUS2.5 (Storage Unit Store 2.5), and a Nick that lives out here on our gravel road.

"I have no idea who you're talking about."

"Nick! He was going to walk home! All the way to Nowhere! I would have just not left my car! They could do it another time, when I knew I had a ride. But that dummy left his car there anyway, and was going to walk home! He said it's 26 miles."

"Wait! I STILL don't know who you're talking about!"

"Nick! From Nick and Bev. Our old neighbors that I was going out to Nowhere today to work on the front door I put on for them. Bev said it didn't work."

"Oh. That totally does not surprise me in the least, now that I know which Nick you're talking about. They're crazy! But how did you know about it? I guess he didn't call Bev to come get him, because he knew she wouldn't leave the house..."

"She wouldn't of left the house. But he tried to call her and couldn't get her. Reception is terrible out there. I've told you that all along. You can't call me or text me there. But Nick was lucky. He called me, and I was still in range. Another mile, and I wouldn't have been. He said he was walking along U highway, and if we saw him to pick him up. So I turned around and drove to find him, and gave him a ride. He'd already gone 6 miles! It took me about 10 minutes to get to him, and then 10 minutes backtracking to where I'd been."

"Well, that's good you could give him a ride."

"I cain't believe he thought he was going to walk that whole way. Bev even asked him why he was getting his car serviced there, instead of up by where he works."

"And she's crazier than he is! But had more sense. What if he'd tried to walk from where he works? That's at least another 30 miles!"

"I don't know. Nothin' they do makes sense. I thought she was probably just not understanding how the door works, but it actually had a broken part. So now I have to get that fixed."

I suppose Hick the savior was in the right place at the right time for Nick. Those 2-lane blacktop highways are no place for a walkin' man.

Hopefully Soon This Room Will be Ready for Living

Hick switched his attention from the Bargain House kitchen to the living room last Wednesday. Once the refrigerator and stove had been moved into the kitchen, it was time to put flooring down in the living room. Hick always says "we" did it, but looks like Old Buddy is doing the work!

That's a good-looking floor. It would speak favorably to me if I was viewing the house with the purpose of purchasing it. I don't know where Hick got that spindly table that his saw is sitting on. It probably came with the house. I can't imagine him moving such a thing in there to work on. 

Hick says he plans to get new mini-blinds for the windows. He's not going all-out for window coverings in a property we are ready to sell. But the old blinds are doing it no favors.

On Thursday, the flooring was all down. Here's a view from the front door area, showing how the living room leads to the kitchen.

The living room still needs trim and receptacle covers, but is basically done. Hick has a little shoring-up work to do under the house, and maybe something in the half-basement. He says he's about ready to list Bargain House for sale, because he can do that work without interruption, even if an agent wants to show the house.

Sadly, our Realtor has retired! She called Hick to tell him. She said the young guy who was working with her is capable of handling the sale. I don't have a problem with that. He's helped Hick a couple times when Realtor was out of the office. I don't see any reason to go with another agency. Any realtor can show the house, just by contacting the office.

(Part 3) A Mystifying Development in the Case of Rumpushole vs Rumpushole

News flash! There IS no honor among rumpusholes! But you probably knew that already.

Hick had in writing (or at least in a text message) the confirmation from Sonny of a property deal. Sonny is the son of Business Owner who has been using HIS LAND for part of a driveway while Hick pays the taxes. The agreement was that Business Owner would pay Hick $1200 for a quit-claim deed to HIS LAND next week in exchange for Hick NOT objecting that evening to a request for a variance to use other properties along the back for another driveway.

Hick followed through with his part of the deal. He went to the variance meeting, and stated that he had reached an agreement with Business Owner, and had no objection to the proposed variance.

The next day, Hick got a text. By way of Sonny, because Business Owner apparently can't be a man and deal directly with Hick (that's MY opinion). This text said that Business Owner wanted a title search, not just a quit-claim deed.

Well, the joke is on Business Owner, because Hick had already decided to have a title company handle the paperwork, and the gal there told him it's actually $15 cheaper to include a title search rather than just the deed. AND Business Owner had said he would pay half to get the title search. Which will cost $300. So now that's another $150 going into Hick's pocket from the sale of HIS LAND.

That's a good thing. Though it's not the deal that was struck at the 11th hour to shut Hick's objecting mouth.

But here's another mystifying development! Hick found out that the other pieces of land that got notices about the variance hearing were all ALREADY OWNED BY BUSINESS OWNER! Whether he had purchased them initially, or through the years, we don't know.

Hick was THE LONE OBSTACLE STANDING IN THE WAY OF THE VARIANCE!

If Hick had objected, even though HIS LAND was not in the area that needed variancing... Business Owner would have been denied. I don't know what effect that might have had on his business. Maybe he would have put in another driveway anyhow, as he did over Hick's land. Maybe nothing would have happened.

It seems to me that Business Owner got to looking into the legality of things after telling Hick to go eff himself because he wasn't going to buy HIS LAND back in June.

It would please Rumpushole Hick to no end, thinking that he's been living rent-free in Business Owner's head for the past six months.

(Part 2) A Mystifying Development in the Case of Rumpushole vs Rumpushole

Hick received the confirmation text within minutes, from the son of Business Owner regarding the purchase of HIS LAND in exchange for keeping his objections to himself at the variance meeting.

"This whole thing seems fishy! How would they know you were going to object to their variance request? Somebody at the city tipped them off! Probably to get back at YOU. Nowhere on that letter did it say you had to notify anybody that you had an objection. It was just a notice of the date and time of the meeting, so you could attend and give your input there. Either your buddy the building inspector called him, or that secretary has it out for you! She's probably the one you kept complaining to all those times about Business Guy's sign and driveway, and The Pony's notice for nuisance weeds, and the trash complaint about tea bottles somebody threw out on the vacant lot."

"She WAS the same one! And Sonny said she's the one who called. So that's not a secret. But maybe the building inspector told her to call."

"In any case, I don't think that's part of the process. They were tipping off Business Owner."

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure they were going to deny the variance if there were any objections. So she called to let him know, and that's why he changed his mind about buying MY LAND a couple hours before the variance meeting."

"Basically, he bought your silence for $1200, heh, heh! Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'll be glad that it's settled, and we don't pay taxes on it for him to use. But the timing sure is funny."

"I was just telling my buddy at lunch at the Senior Center. 'I'm finally getting my chance to stick it to Business Owner.' He said, 'How's that?' And I said the guy's name, and how I was going to make a statement at the variance meeting about how he's been using MY LAND while I'm paying taxes on it. And my buddy said, 'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. He's really a nice guy.'"

"So YOU'RE the big rumpushole, because you object to a nice guy making a profit in his business that is using YOUR LAND for free, for his driveway, and wouldn't consider buying it from you."

"Apparently so! I'm not asking for a fortune. That $1200 isn't going to make or break us. And it's just a drop in the bucket for him. But I'm the bad guy!"

________________________________________________________________

Hick went to the meeting. He saw his boss from the apartments, who happens to be on the board. And a couple other people he knows. He got there about 10 minutes early. All the chairs were arranged around a table for the board. Hick dragged another chair over, to sit behind the people he knew. The (traitorous) secretary was there. 

"She smiled real big, and apologized to me for having to move my own chair. I announced that I had reached an agreement with Business Owner, and that I had no objections to his proposed variance, and then I left."

"That's it? How will they know you kept your part of the deal?"

"It will have to be in the minutes of the meeting. I've been thinking it over, and I'm going by the title office to ask how much they'll charge to write up the paperwork. I'd just as soon do that as risk anything going wrong. I think they charged us $300 when they did it for one of our other properties. So that's worth it to me."

I hope everything goes right with this deal. It will prove that there is honor among rumpusholes.